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stmemmerson121

I HATE SLEEPING IN!!!
7 Watchers4 Deviations
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Dakotahorse
XllWolfHeartllX
anarchival
NaturalPhilosopher
Commander-jao
koolkiller456
11meister
DaveBarrack
xxblondexfreakxx
raizy
emmil
captaincuttlefish
NaturalPhilosopher
bloodonthemoon5
Commander-jao
11meister
  • Aug 8
  • Australia
  • Deviant for 13 years
  • He / Him
Badges
Llama: Llamas are awesome! (9)
My Bio
Current Residence: Sydney
Print preference: Colour?
Favourite genre of music: Again, right now, alternative rock
Favourite photographer: Elizabeth Oppenheimer
Favourite style of art: Renaissance, realism
Operating System: Mac os x
MP3 player of choice: Ipod nano 3rd gen
Wallpaper of choice: A funny picture or a nostalgic picture
Favourite cartoon character: Animate character, woody from Toy story or Toothless from httyd, cartoon, Ginger Meggs
Personal Quote: Descartes - "Cogito ergo Sum" or "There is no one who does good" - Psalm 14:1

Favourite Visual Artist
Gustav Klimt
Favourite Movies
Httyd/Toy story (animated)
Favourite Bands / Musical Artists
Right now, Lecrae and Mumford and Sons
Favourite Writers
Edgar Allen Poe / Robert Jordan
Favourite Games
Monopoly, scrabble
Favourite Gaming Platform
Mac
Tools of the Trade
My mind, a ballpoint pen, and procrastination
Other Interests
Anime, reading, ancient history, psychology
You know, every once in a while I go back and read things I posted ages ago, and I think, "what I once thought was witty, reflective and classy is actually stupid, emo sounding and crass. How frakking stupid was I?" I then proceed to post stuff just as stupid, emo and crass and think it's pure gold. But the point I'm laboriously trying to get to is that I think everyone should be more self examining. Not in a self condemning way, just insofar as ensuring that you don't make an ass of yourself. I don't often come back on deviantart anymore, but that may change a little now, I hope. See, I've always loved books, and my mind is strange and does
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I'm not pissed off for any particular reason, more like a number of smaller ones. 1. Several arguments with friends and family that have been resolved, but still grind on me whenever I think about them. They're just annoying. 2. People. There are, to me, four main types of morality in people. People who do bad and know they do bad, people who do bad and don't even realise it, people who mean well but can't seem to do it right, and people who mean well and do well. A girl I know fits in the category of "bad but doesn't even know it". But that's being harsh. She does mean well, but I swear, her entire family is prejudiced against me (with one
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I'm just sitting here at home, chillin', watching Youtube videos, and then I hear this sound, exactly like the sound of the combine Striders. And then my dogs stopped barking o.o And the noise stopped O_O And then my heart stopped X_X Seriously though, I don't know if it was some kind of crane or something, but it kind of creeped me out. Also, in other news, anyone who hasn't seen The Avengers is hereby to be shunned until such time as they see it. In short, IT'S FREAKIN' AWESOME! That is all.
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Profile Comments 36

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You have a tag (cause I'm nosy). [link]
lol thank you for the fav!
Howdy again! How're you?
HI! G'day (from a bogan to an apparent redneck)! I'm quite depressed, to be honest. Been taking my anger/stress/daily exercise/depression/loneliness out on the local trees. With an axe. A blunt axe. It makes less difference than I thought it would. Sorry I took a while to respond, but I'm in a place where the internet reception is worse than most places had in the 1980's. Although apart from that (and some members of my family) I don't have any other criticism for this place. I love my farm... Which, incidentally, is the reason I'm depressed. This is the last time I'm ever going to be at this farm. I'm actually tearing up a little just thinking about it... But, I can't complain to anyone in my family, because they're going through the same thing, and it's not like we shouldn't sell the farm. And off-loading onto someone outside my family never works, because nobody can empathize with me. It's not like I'm MORE depressed than anyone else. It's just that I am alone in my depression. And I know that you'll reply back with something like, "You're not alone, offload on me", or something to a similar capacity (and don't think that I don't appreciate the sentiment) but, to be honest, I'm just so tired. I'm tired of school (even though I only have a couple of months left), I'm tired of looking forward to University, when my self-esteem is so low that I don't think I'll be able to even get into a university, I'm tired of talking to my family, I'm tired of being screamed at, I'm tired of being the off-load centre for my entire family, I'm just so fucking tired of life. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have to do farm work, I have to clean these houses for the inspections. I have to lift heavy objects, like tractor tires, and sheep shearing paraphernalia, to get ready to sell it all. I have to work for 5-6 hours a day on school work, before and after I do farming and lifting work. I'm stressing over the HSC, but I can't complain about it, because my family says either, "then work harder", or, "I already went through it, so suck it up". I have to deal with my family screaming at me at home, school "mates" hitting me, insulting me and generally making me hate them at school, I have to deal with teachers who don't care, and teachers who focus on the "more promising" students. I have to be there for my friends when things happen, even when I can't tell them what I'm going through, because I couldn't articulate it in a way that they could understand how shitty I feel. I have to be there for my entire family, when not one of them is there for me. I have to comfort my mother because of her dying parents, my father because of his financial troubles, my sisters because of their University problems, my brother because he's worried about year 11, and driving. I've been used by virtually everyone I know (excluding internet). I could list every true friend my age I've ever had on the fingers on one of my hand. I've been told, you're wealthy, you can't complain. Well, my family is selling our farm to get our of several million dollars debt, so fuck everyone. I've fallen for a girl more times than I can count, and I've been rejected exactly the same number of times. I've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed. No girl has ever, or could ever, like me, even as a friend, let alone as anything more. I have more people who hate me than people who don't. But the worst part is not any of this. The worst part is that I can say all I like that I don't care what people think, and that's true, but what I can't ignore is how much I hate myself. My view of myself is fat, ugly, unintelligent, boring, loud, obnoxious, arrogant, selfish, vain, in essence, I see in myself awful qualities, and I can't bring myself to blame anyone for hating me, any more than I can bring myself to imagine happiness. I hate myself on such a subconscious level that I can't even imagine a future that I'm happy in. Even in writing this I can't help but feel that I'm being selfish, in throwing my problems at you, and being obnoxious, and vain, in that I'm assuming that my problems are worse than other peoples.
I'm sorry. I really am. I really need to vent, and you're really not the right person to vent on, but, what the hell. I'm 400 kilometres away from the nearest city, and I've gotten to the point of drying knives and wondering how it would feel to cut myself with them, so I'm just gonna apologise, and tell you that it's probably better to realise that I am not smart, or good looking, I hate myself. And I wish my friends could understand that.
Let me take a deep breath here and try to organize my thoughts in a manner that will seem mildly coherent (ADHD and all that, it's great).
Okay, first off, I wouldn't care if you were stupid or ugly, which honestly you're not. I like you as a person (though, you know, it probably doesn't mean much, me being on the web and all) enough to come back and check on you. I have a feeling I would like you as a friend if we were in school together. I also have a feeling that, in your current state of mind, anything I say about me having even the slightest bit of knowledge of how you feel is going to fall flat, but I'm not going to lie. The way you described yourself is how I'd describe myself. I've had years and years to inscribe it into myself and it's hard to get out of that mindset, I know. I'm struggling with it, much to the chagrin of a fellow deviant who thinks he loves me (long story, but I firmly stand on that word, "thinks"). But that's about me, I'm here to talk about you, I apologize.
Seems like you need some sort of motivation in life to make things better. Can you think of anything at all that would make life (to be cliche) new for you? Something to freshen your spirit?
I've got the feeling I have ADHD... and a myriad of other mental f**kups, like bipolar, or schizophrenia... Of course, I don't have any proof of any of these, I just have a feeling.
1. If I was stupid or ugly, you probably wouldn't know. Well, at least not the ugly part.
2. You are a very good person, it's obvious just from reading your posts. You seem to nice to let someone who's absolutely nuts/depressed (me) suffer by themselves. That's a good thing, and I like to think that I can't watch someone depressed without helping either.
3. If we were in a school together (forgetting for a moment that I go to an all boys school in Australia) I doubt I ever would have met you. I have a little bit of gynophobia. I can't talk to girls. I can talk to my sisters friends, or girls at my church who my friends know, but I can't talk to girls that I can't identify.
4. I'm just going on the conversation we've had on DA, but you seem like a really nice person, with little to no mental scarring.
5. Just wondering, how old are you? Because I've had this mindset since before I can remember. Like, I was beaten up in kindergarten.
6. The reason I think I'm bipolar is because I have such HUGE swings of temperament. I'll be sitting one minute, drinking water, and the next second, I'll be having a full on screaming match with my mum, then five seconds later, playing cards with my sister. And sometimes (and unfortunately I was on DA the last time it happened) I can have periods of crushing depression. Like, I've cut myself in the past. I'm pretty over cutting, but sometimes I still get bouts of depression, and I just whinge (normally to one of my friends, who are surprisingly accepting of it, or on Omegle) until I feel better.
7. This chagrined Deviant story sounds interesting... do tell more...
8. Just by the fact that you speak for a few lines about yourself and apologise just goes to show how unselfish you are.
9. Motivation for life... not much... I'm a Christian, and reading the Bible generally helps, but I forgot to bring it to our farm, so, whoops...
10. There's only one thing I'm trying to do to make myself less depressed. There was this girl that I liked, and she never knew about it, and since I liked her, she's stopped going to Church, started going out with some guy, and it looks like she's turned into a bit of a... harlot, shall we say? Apart from getting over that, I have problems with my family that I can't get over, the HSC, family on my mothers side, suicidal family members, stupid family members, greedy family members, ignorant family members. My family is very nice, but apart from my dad, none of them are observant at all, and they're totally ignorant if someone is depressed. So what are you doing to alleviate your depression?
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Thanks for the watch ^^