HI! G'day (from a bogan to an apparent redneck)! I'm quite depressed, to be honest. Been taking my anger/stress/daily exercise/depression/loneliness out on the local trees. With an axe. A blunt axe. It makes less difference than I thought it would. Sorry I took a while to respond, but I'm in a place where the internet reception is worse than most places had in the 1980's. Although apart from that (and some members of my family) I don't have any other criticism for this place. I love my farm... Which, incidentally, is the reason I'm depressed. This is the last time I'm ever going to be at this farm. I'm actually tearing up a little just thinking about it... But, I can't complain to anyone in my family, because they're going through the same thing, and it's not like we shouldn't sell the farm. And off-loading onto someone outside my family never works, because nobody can empathize with me. It's not like I'm MORE depressed than anyone else. It's just that I am alone in my depression. And I know that you'll reply back with something like, "You're not alone, offload on me", or something to a similar capacity (and don't think that I don't appreciate the sentiment) but, to be honest, I'm just so tired. I'm tired of school (even though I only have a couple of months left), I'm tired of looking forward to University, when my self-esteem is so low that I don't think I'll be able to even get into a university, I'm tired of talking to my family, I'm tired of being screamed at, I'm tired of being the off-load centre for my entire family, I'm just so fucking tired of life. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have to do farm work, I have to clean these houses for the inspections. I have to lift heavy objects, like tractor tires, and sheep shearing paraphernalia, to get ready to sell it all. I have to work for 5-6 hours a day on school work, before and after I do farming and lifting work. I'm stressing over the HSC, but I can't complain about it, because my family says either, "then work harder", or, "I already went through it, so suck it up". I have to deal with my family screaming at me at home, school "mates" hitting me, insulting me and generally making me hate them at school, I have to deal with teachers who don't care, and teachers who focus on the "more promising" students. I have to be there for my friends when things happen, even when I can't tell them what I'm going through, because I couldn't articulate it in a way that they could understand how shitty I feel. I have to be there for my entire family, when not one of them is there for me. I have to comfort my mother because of her dying parents, my father because of his financial troubles, my sisters because of their University problems, my brother because he's worried about year 11, and driving. I've been used by virtually everyone I know (excluding internet). I could list every true friend my age I've ever had on the fingers on one of my hand. I've been told, you're wealthy, you can't complain. Well, my family is selling our farm to get our of several million dollars debt, so fuck everyone. I've fallen for a girl more times than I can count, and I've been rejected exactly the same number of times. I've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed. No girl has ever, or could ever, like me, even as a friend, let alone as anything more. I have more people who hate me than people who don't. But the worst part is not any of this. The worst part is that I can say all I like that I don't care what people think, and that's true, but what I can't ignore is how much I hate myself. My view of myself is fat, ugly, unintelligent, boring, loud, obnoxious, arrogant, selfish, vain, in essence, I see in myself awful qualities, and I can't bring myself to blame anyone for hating me, any more than I can bring myself to imagine happiness. I hate myself on such a subconscious level that I can't even imagine a future that I'm happy in. Even in writing this I can't help but feel that I'm being selfish, in throwing my problems at you, and being obnoxious, and vain, in that I'm assuming that my problems are worse than other peoples.
I'm sorry. I really am. I really need to vent, and you're really not the right person to vent on, but, what the hell. I'm 400 kilometres away from the nearest city, and I've gotten to the point of drying knives and wondering how it would feel to cut myself with them, so I'm just gonna apologise, and tell you that it's probably better to realise that I am not smart, or good looking, I hate myself. And I wish my friends could understand that.